Easter (returning from the other side)

Yes, I'm returning from the other side with new vision... about alotta things. First, you're probably wondering what I mean by returning from the other side. Well, I'm returning from the other side of the planet. I'll be back in Raleigh on Wednesday night (April 7) and will not return to Azerbaijan. I quit the Corps. They call it "ET'ing" here, for Early Termination.

Try to imagine resignation what it must be like to resign from a US government agency - compare it to filing taxes or any other federal process - and you'll have some idea of all the paperwork I'm going through. So far, I've been working on it for five days, and it's not over yet. It'll be done at about 5pm today, Azeri time. That's about 9am your time. 

For sure you're wondering why. Some of you probably had some notion. A few friends I'm closest to actually suggested that I consider it. The one who understands health the best - who I have the longest and most analytical conversations about health with - sent me an email with the first honest look at considering a return to the US by writing: "I don't mean to sound like I'm encouraging you to return to the States - just that you can always console yourself that you still have that choice." (Thank you, Carol.) Then the friend who knows me and my body the best - we have known each other nearly 20 years and have shared health issues - said in an e-mail: "Keep listening to your inner core and your body. When have they steered you wrong before?" (She's right; thank you, Liz.) Others who don't know me so well suggested that it must be pretty hard here in Azerland. Well, yes, I guess it is.

Out of a team of 17 Community Economic Development Advisers that started in October, I am the third to leave and I know of two more starting the process now (several other PCVs in other groups have left, too). I've been running around the main office in Baku for the last week, and the number of PCVs who have come to me with envy are astounding. They are envious that I can just pick up and leave. Most PCVs can't. They can't afford to go back to a place where they can't get a job (though some will have to next year... hopefully the US economy will be better by then). The younger ones need it for their resumes, some can't pack in their pride, and a few are so buried in alcohol, etc., they've forgotten what it would mean to go back, or what being happy feels like.

Last Tuesday (March 30), while I was sitting quietly in the corner of the Baku office's PCV lounge trying to decide what to do, one of our PSNs (a PCV who acts as a counselor for other PCVs) was lying on the couch I'm sitting on right now just after returning from a visit to the US, telling us about the horrific nightmare she had about returning to Azerbaijan while she was on the plane. She looked OK, but I wonder just how OK she really was. One of my site mates (another PCV who lives in Samaxi), only 25 years old and here with her husband just found out she has shingles. Yes, the stress has drawn the chickenpox virus right out of her nervous system. They cannot leave - his career depends on completing his two-year stint, but she is falling apart.

The Peace Corps is a wonderful organization full of amazing people. No question about it. So, why am I leaving? You've read about my health experiences in the last several blogs... the inner/middle ear infection I've had for three months, the bad generic drug that sent my brain into a frenzy, the five or six colds, digestive problems, and so on. All in a person who never gets sick. Plus lack of exercise, lousy sleep, crappy diet and constant, constant, constant bombardment by enormously stressful situations took its toll. The real tipping point was the bad prescription they gave me ... it was supposed to make me healthier, but really did me in. So I called the Peace Corps doctor again. He told me to come to Baku and check into a hotel down the street from the office for a couple of days so he could give me proper treatment, which I did. 

When I arrived at the Peace Corps office the next day, I was offered a change of place to live in an effort to help my health. But I knew that moving into a place alone could even make things even worse, so when my health took a drastic downturn the next day, I turned down that offer. We talked about options, and leaving was not one of them - the Peace Corps made it clear they did not want me to go. I made that final choice Thursday morning when the doctor measured my blood pressure.

My normal blood pressure is 110/70. While I've been in Azerbaijan it's been coasting along at about 125/80 - not bad, normal for the circumstances, but the rise was something to keep an eye on. Occasionally it would go up, but not for long. Then last week it hit 132/85 - a place it's never been. That's a level to keep a close eye on, but not to sweat about too much. Later it went to 160/90, and stayed there too long for my liking. That frightened me. Then I thought back on the advice my friends had given me and decided to leave. It's time to return to the States.

My friends in the Peace Corps are unhappy. There are a few that I help take care of one way or another (we take care of each other), one that I just started developing a CED newsletter with, and some who just like me for some reason.

All of you who know about this support my decision. Some of you saw it coming before I did. One of you is picking me up at the airport Wednesday night and is letting me stay in her condo on a lake as long as I need. But that won't be too long. Another friend has a house by hers available on the ocean - I mean really right on the water, with no cars, no highrises, no people, no nothin' - just her, me, her hubby, lots of Carolina coast vegetation and endless saltwater. I'll likely go over there for awhile, too.

(Another PCV just came into the lounge while I was writing and told me how jealous she is - she wants to go home, but can't. She's one of the young ones in the teaching group and needs this for her resume and to please her parents.) (Note added in 2011 - she ended up going home early anyway.)

So what am I gonna do now? Well, I've always had this vision of driving around the country (the US). I've seen most of the states, but there's still a lot to see. I've always dreamed of starting out by getting on I-40 heading to the southwest in late spring and make no plans from there. I have friends all over the place, so I'd stop and visit them all. So maybe that's what I'll do. The timing is perfect. Late spring... then maybe head up toward the north in summer. Go visit those states along the northern border where I've never been.

That's it for now. I'll write more later. I need to go do the last few things to wrap up all the paperwork. Feel free to ask questions - whatever you want.

But the blog isn't ending! The greatest thing that came out of my six months in Azerbaijan is that I learned how to get to that writing place where the words pour out of me uncontrollably. I used to get here easily when I was in my teens and twenties, but it hasn't been so easy in the last 10 years or so. Now I know I was trying too hard. Now I can do it almost any time, and it won't stop.

For you my email address will change so that I can easily separate my Azeri mail from my American mail. My new address is julietomlinson7@gmail.com. Y'all will receive an e-mail to let you know.

Cox sag ol.